Forgiving Yourself in Recovery

Forgiveness is an essential part of healing and lays the foundation for long-term sobriety and good health. It’s the deliberate process of letting go of resentment, anger and bitterness toward someone you think has wronged you – including yourself. By releasing these negative emotions, you free up energy to invest in yourself and can see benefits in your mental and physical health, as well as in your interpersonal relationships. Self-forgiveness looks different for everyone, and it’s often not a single event but an ongoing process that requires commitment and trust. Carrying guilt and shame with you is counterproductive, keeps you down, and can make sobriety much harder. Self-forgiveness gives you confidence, strength, and improved self-esteem to keep you successful in your sobriety. Below are 9 tips on forgiving yourself in recovery:

1. Accept the past

It’s crucial to examine your past and take responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made. Recognize the role you played in the events or decisions that make you feel guilt and shame and acknowledge those feelings in yourself. And ultimately, accept that what is done is done. Though you may not be proud of the choices you’ve made, the best and only course of action now is to learn from them and avoid making the same mistakes in the future. You can’t change the past, but you can control how you feel and act now.

2. Make amends and right wrongs

This idea coincides with steps 8 and 9 of the 12-step program. Wronging people during active addiction can cause great shame and guilt. Reaching out to the people who you have wronged is a way to directly address past mistakes and show them that you are aware, sorry, taking responsibility for your past, and working to be different. People close to you who were greatly affected may not be ready to accept your apology right away and that’s okay too. You can show them through action, such as offering to help them out, volunteering or giving back to your community in a meaningful way.

3. Have self-compassion and gratitude

It’s natural to be hard on yourself, to think back on past mistakes or wrongdoings and let those define your sense of self. But try to make yourself more aware of that negative inner dialogue and actively reverse the conversation. Take time to appreciate the progress you’ve made, reflect on how far you come, and acknowledge all the right decisions you’ve made. Give yourself some praise and love by incorporating positive affirmations into your daily routine. Extend yourself the same compassion, empathy, and encouragement that you would to a friend or family member. Self-compassion will strengthen your recovery and enable you to see that you are more than the actions or decisions you’ve made in tough moments. What are some affirmations you can use today?

4. Journal

Journaling is a magical practice. It’s a way to completely release all the thoughts, feelings, and pressures inside your head onto a contained piece of paper, leaving your mind to rest and let go. During hard times, it’s also a place you can go to read in your own words about better days and give yourself hope and ways to get back there. You can gain a new perspective, keep yourself accountable, and say what you’ve done and your innermost feelings with complete honesty. You can dive deeper into the situations that still bother you, write about the past, and plan steps for your future.

5. Share with others

Your recovery support network, including peer groups, is key. Sharing with someone else can help release the feelings you’ve been carrying alone, give you a new perspective, and provide encouragement and help. Maybe you’ll realize that you’ve been judging yourself too harshly, or that other people have done what you have as well. A therapist, counsellor, or addiction coach may even untangle any lingering shame and guilt and its manifestations in your body and behaviours. It’s hard to see a situation objectively if you’ve lived it; a third party can give you that clarity and take off some of the burdens you’ve felt. This can also be experienced through group treatment, such as a 12-step meeting. If you’re looking to join one, you can find Avalon’s meetings here.

6. Give yourself credit

Don’t neglect the good that you’ve done and all the right decisions and actions you have made for yourself and those around you. Celebrate those successes. At the end of the day, reflect on at least one thing you accomplished and feel proud of. It will give you a sense of accomplishment and motivate you to continue being the best version of yourself in your recovery. Guilt and shame have a nasty way of fixating on the bad and ignoring the good. If you remember that you are a human being with flaws who is capable of great things, you can let go of your past mistakes and approach the future with clarity, resolve, and optimism.

7. Identify your core values and morals

We often experience remorse over past actions or decisions because they don’t align with our current morals and values. By reflecting on these situations, we can better understand what really matters to us and why we feel continued hurt over things in the past. In recovery, you hold yourself to high moral standards, but don’t feel like you have to overcompensate for past decisions – you’ll set yourself up to fall short on unrealistic moral standards. Instead, be mindful of your emotional health and well-being and create realistic goals for yourself moving forward in your recovery.

8. Try symbolic forgiveness

It might seem a little silly at first, but it may help to visualize the release of your past mistakes and regret through symbolic acts. This could be writing a letter to someone and not sending it, releasing a balloon, or writing down your wrongdoings as a result of your addiction on a piece of paper and burning it. It’s a way to tangibly act out self-forgiveness and provide yourself with a sense of closure and completion.

9. Be patient

Forgiveness takes time. Give yourself that space, time and respect needed to embark on the journey of self-love and self-forgiveness. You can’t compare your experience to that of anyone around you. Lifelong recovery is the result of accepting everything – the good times and the bad – but knowing that the bad times will pass and you will be stronger for it.

Forgiving yourself isn’t easy. It can take a lot of introspection, support, and deep healing. For those in recovery, it can also mean working hard to improve self-esteem. But you are resilient, you are capable, and you are on the right path. By seeking out resources and reading this blog, you are reaffirming your commitment to your sobriety and making progress in your recovery. Avalon is here for you, and we offer daily 12-step meetings full of women who would love to welcome you into the community.