Relationships and love are two of the trickiest aspects of the human experience. We’re wired for connection and intimacy with others, yet developing healthy and successful long-term relationships remains a challenge. The closer a relationship is, the more people become interconnected. In this blog, we talk about codependency vs. interdependency in the context of romantic relationships — descriptions, signs, and how to transition from codependent to interdependent. 

Codependency

Codependency is when one individual in a relationship relies heavily on the other for their sense of self and well-being. They are unable to distinguish between themselves and their partner and feel a responsibility to prioritize and meet the other person’s needs. Codependent relationships are unhealthy and inhibit both individuals’ abilities to be their authentic selves, to grow, and to be autonomous in their life. Couples with codependency issues are also often out of balance and frequently struggle for control or power over the other and the relationship – usually there is one “giver” and one “taker”. 

Signs of codependency 

• Unhealthy, dysfunctional, or ineffective communication 
• Being afraid of being alone or being abandoned 
• Not being able to make decisions – and doubting them once you do make them 
• Low self-esteem of one or both individuals 
• Having no personal goals or interests outside of the relationship 
• Poor or no boundaries 
• Making your partner responsible for your emotions and feelings 

Interdependency

The goal is to move away from codependent habits and behaviours, and to develop relationships in which everyone involved has the ability to actively decide how they are involved while maintaining their own sense of self. Instead of needing the other person and basing your happiness off them, you are freely choosing to be together every day and creating space for vulnerability, honesty, and the communication of boundaries. An interdependent person recognizes and values the emotional bond that they share with their partner and believes in each person having a strong sense of self. 

Attachment is a part of mutual loving relationships, and a desire for intimacy and closeness is normal. In an interdependent relationship, each person has strong self-esteem that allows for each to manage their own thoughts and feelings without a need to control the other’s. Instead of the restrictive and judgmental nature of a codependent union, an interdependent couple gains freedom as the result of their relationship and holds mutual respect and support for each other as individual people outside of the relationship. You love and accept them for who they are, and love and accept yourself simultaneously.  

Signs of interdependency

• Establishing and upholding healthy boundaries 
• Clear, open, and effective communication 
• Taking personal responsibility for one’s own emotions and actions 
• Not feeling fear when saying “no” 
• Feeling free to express your true authentic self 
• Making time for personal hobbies, interests, and social circles 

Moving from codependent to interdependent relationships

This is something you can keep in mind from day one. It’s common to enter into a relationship out of loneliness and without thinking deeply about who you are, what you value, and what you’re hoping to get out of it. Making time for this kind of self-reflection will allow you to approach relationships with authenticity and an awareness of self that is a pre-requisite for a healthy interdependent relationship. 

To transition an existing relationship from codependent to interdependent, deliberate steps need to be taken to increase your own self-esteem and sense of self beyond your partner. Take time to work on your relationship with yourself, including frequent positive self-talk, letting yourself believe that you deserve to have your own personhood and identity and that that’s okay. Through this process, you may uncover some of your desired relationship boundaries, whether physical, emotional, mental, sexual, or material. Communicating and enforcing those boundaries with your partner is the only way to ensure they are met.  

Seek out and prioritize other forms of love and relationships in your life, whether that’s with your family, friends, community, pet, etc. Find people and activities that bring you joy on your own and satisfy your individual sense of self and desire for happiness. This external support network will also be able to support you through the disentanglement of your codependent relationship. Lastly, learning to say “no” to others when necessary and developing better communication skills are essential; sometimes outside, professional help is required, and seeing a therapist or counsellor can be incredibly helpful for some. 

If anything in this blog spoke to you and your current or past experiences, or if you’re simply a woman who wishes to develop healthy relationships, we encourage you to attend Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) meetings at Avalon. The only requirement is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. We currently have 2 options available: a meeting conducted virtually via Zoom or phone on Thursdays at 7:00pm (registration required – book here) and an in-person meeting held outdoors at Bakerview Park in Surrey on Saturdays at 11:30am (no registration required).